I moved to Chicago over three decades ago from Scottsdale Arizona. Yes, while growing up in Scottsdale I did happen to fall under the infatuation with the Chicago cubs because they use to play their winter baseball just about 1/4 mile from my house. However that all changed when I moved to Chicago. My late dear father-in-law first turned me on to the WHITE SOX when I moved here, however I also started to see through the cub facade.
One reason I love the WHITE SOX is because they have an actual owner, right now that is Mr. Jerry Reinsdorff. The cubs on the other hand are owned by a corporation, the Chicago Tribune. When you have an actual owner, you have a face and a person to blame when your team is doing bad, and someone to never give any credit to when they are doing great. With the cubs, there is no face. However because they were owned by what was once a multi-million dollar corporation, that dealt in the media, the cubs became more that a baseball team, they became a tourist attraction.
The Tribune Company marketed the cubs very well. The Tribune Company turned WGN television in a cable Super Station, thus bringing the cubs to all of America. How else can you explain it when you have a last place team that sells out their stadium, day after day, with, at one time, all day games? Half those people at those games weren't even from Chicago, they were from Idaho and Iowa or someplace else that WGN reached; and when they found themselves having the opportunity to come to Chicago, well they just HAD to add to their itinerary to "go see the cubs and sing 'Take Me Out to the Ball Game' with Harry."
I did get to answer that question one evening while listening to ESPN AM 1000 here in Chicago. The two talk show hosts were debating why Wrigley Field was always sold out, while the WHITE SOX had empty seats during the week at night games. One host was a cub fan, the other a SOX fan. I called in and got the opportunity to answer the question. I said, "It's very simple, SOX fans have jobs, and if they don't, they're out looking for them."
Now the Chicago Tribune finds itself in in dire financial difficulties, (so bad that both the Tribune and the Sun-Times are in bankruptcy), along with the rest of the newspapers in this country, mainly because of 24 hour news cable stations and the Internet, but also because they are so biased, nobody believes what their "journalists" report anymore. I can state confidently that if it were not for the SPORTS SECTION, then 60% of the country's newspapers would have already gone under.
So to help themselves out of these financial difficulties, the top brass of the Chicago Tribune have decided to sell off their greatest asset, the Chicago cubs. This means that the cubs will have an actual owner and if they do this, I just may support them if they ever find themselves in a World Series, (yeah right, like THAT is ever going to happen).
Now in this age of corporate sponsorship I feel that I have to say the the cubs for far too long have been letting the Wrigley Family as well as the Wrigley Chewing Gum Company get away with, for almost three decades not paying, the cubs advertising royalties. William Wrigley sold the cubs to the Chicago Tribune in 1981. So, when a new owner is decided upon, I as a WHITE SOX fan have a suggestion for our minor league team on the north side. Sell the naming rights to Wrigley field to the KIMBERLY-CLARK CORPORATION of Conway Arkansas. Then they can rename Wrigley Field after their most famous product. That's right, I propose that the new name for Wrigley Field be:
KOTEX FIELD.
Just think of the possibilities. First of all once a month you can have cubs Tampon day for all the female cub fans. Once a month they can pass out free cubs commemorative tampons to the first 12,000 female fans age 13 and over. To make it even more special, the tampons come in a special cardboard or plastic insertion tube in the shape of a baseball bat with that cute little cubs logo at the tip. The tampon itself will be specially colored in blue and white, (the ladies later on will provide the red). Hey! The ladies themselves could at some time during the game, take the tampons out of the tubes and twirl them over their heads like a rally towel.
Another way Kimberly-Clark can promote their product is in the vending machines in all the ladies restrooms. Each sanitary napkin will come in a special box, on the front will be the cubs logo, maybe even with a illustration of the new KOTEX FIELD, however on the back is a special cubs baseball trading card show all the famous cubs past and present. The card will be on the perforated part of the box so when the lady opens it not only will she have one of her favorite cubs picture on the front but all their lifetime stats on the back. Ah yes I can see the pictures now, Ernie Banks, Ron Santo, Mark Grace and Ryne Sandberg and on and on. A different one on every box so the ladies can just collect them all.
They could even make a commemorative card for both Jack Brickhouse and Harry Carey.
Here the best promotion of all. Have special PMS nights when the cubs biggest rivalry's come to play at KOTEX FIELD, meaning the St. Louis Cardinals and the CHICAGO WHITE SOX during inter league play. Any lady that can show that she will be having her worst PMS time during one of these games will get tickets at half price, only as long as they show up. Just think of it, 12,000 hormone enraged, painful cramping, heavy flowing cub fans sitting next to those poor Cardinal and SOX supporters who show up to cheer on their team in enemy territory.
Now don't forget, we need a nickname for KOTEX FIELD. When the old Comisky Park was torn down and replaced with a new stadium, the naming rights were sold to U.S. CELLULAR. So now the SOX play at U.S. Cellular Field, with the nickname: THE CELL. (True SOX fans still refer to it as Comisky though). I suggest that the nicknames for the new KOTEX FIELD could be, THE MAXI PAD, or THE BIG PAD, THE SUPER SOAKIE or even THE GREAT RED SPOT.
Oh man! Just think of what we could do with the bases.
Just think of what the bleacher bums can start throwing at the opposing teams outfielders that they don't like, along with any baseball that is hit by an opposing batter.
Oh, the possibilities are endless, I can think of a million more, but let's have these for starters and let me know what you think. This is Scott, your favorite Internet bartender proving to you that yes, there is humor even in menstruation.
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